The Inspirations Quartet once recorded a gospel song that in part had these lyrics:

If all the wealth was put at your disposal
to build a home that you have longed to own,
you wouldn’t be moved in it
until you’d want to make
some changes in your very own new home.

In 2008 I had my house expanded and remodeled. There are at least two changes that I would make were I to remodel again. I’d have a “pocket door” installed for the master bathroom; that would keep the bedroom and master bath doors from banging into each other when both are open. Strangely enough, I did have “pocket doors” installed in the addition to the back of the house.
I’d also have all metal ductwork installed rather than the flex duct that is in the back and living room additions. One day, my wife excitedly told me there was a “critter” in one of the vents. Sure enough, I “shined” a flashlight into one of the dining room vents. I could distinctly see two green eyes reflected. Even more troublesome, I could also see black and white fur.
“Oh, no, I think it’s a skunk,” I said quietly. How does a person go about having a skunk removed from their ductwork? I wondered how that “skunk” got into the ductwork, for this was the metal ductwork to the original part of the house.
My fears were greatly allayed when the critter “meowed”. I would have thought our very own domestic longhair Precious Kitty (otherwise known as a tuxedo cat) was in the ductwork except for the fact she was standing on the floor right next to me, wondering what her silly master was doing. Always to brainy one, Precious Kitty had determined that there was another form of animal life in the ventilation system, and she was as curious as her masters.
Since from the “meow” emanating from the ductwork I deduced that the critter was not a skunk, I wondered how this other cat got in there. A little detective work and I deduced that this was my neighbor’s cat. She had gotten in under the front porch because some genius had left the access door open. Let’s make a deal, shall we—was it number 1 (Precious Kitty), number 2 (that woman I married), or number 3 (your’s truly) who left the access door ajar? I choose number 2.
The cat entered under the porch, tore a hole in the flex duct close to where it joined the original ductwork, then crawled to the first vent in which she could see light. There she became stuck. The vent narrowed, and she could not go forward, nor did she seem able to retrace her route. One call and our neighbor came to his cat’s rescue. He reached inside the duct from the dining room floor and removed his troublesome creature. Though scared, the cat did not rip the skin from her master’s body, as I fear she would have mine. The master of the house (aka number 2) used some duct (not duck—we’d had enough critter trouble) tape to repair the hole made by the trespassing cat from next door.
Now I make sure that access door stays closed. Next time it might just be a skunk who comes for an unwelcome visit.
Later that year my wife was putting up her Christmas tree. She pushed apart some branches, and what to her wondering eyes did appear? A pair of green eyes! At least this time they belonged to our very own Precious Kitty. The terrified woman proceeded to whip the poor beast with a rolled-up newspaper for the unexpected fright. Precious is a very good animal, and a quick learner. She never showed the faintest interest in any other tree for the remainder of her (thus far) long life.
Want a novel decorating idea, Dear Reader? How about a live Christmas tree? You can use an artificial tree and still have a live tree. Just decorate it with cats. Certainly this would “liven up” your holiday. I can’t vouch for what kind of spirit you’ll have—I’d daresay it would run close to any specter that Scrooge saw on Christmas Eve, Marley’s ghost notwithstanding.

ANSWER TO QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 41
What did Phyllis Diller say she didn’t like about office Christmas parties? (ANSWER: Looking for a new job the next day.)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 42
What did the neighbor’s kids say they wanted for Christmas? (See next week’s article in historicunioncounty.com for the answer.)

EMAIL LORE

On this coldest day of the winter, I melted an ice cube with my mind by just staring at it. I must be losing my touch. It took a lot longer than it did at the Fourth of July party.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.