Mincey’s Musings
Year One, Week Twenty-Five

Once again, we find ourselves close to an election. Our founding fathers saw it necessary to create our national system of government to have a balance of power that would prevent any one group from becoming dictatorial. That is why we have a President as head of the Executive Branch, the Senate and House of Representatives that serve as the Legislative Branch (the only branch of our national government that has its own balance of power), and the Supreme Court Justices as heads of the Judicial Branch.

The existence of political parties is further evidence of a system of checks and balances. The power of the Presidency and control of the legislature moves back and forth generally between two parties, Republicans and Democrats.

The same holds true with love, the fifth of five endangered characteristics of true character suggested by Bill Hybels in his book Who You Are When No One’s Looking: Choosing Consistency, Resisting Compromise. Last week, I discussed the first of two types of love that are paradoxically and ironically visible in some people’s lives. The first was tender love that needs development in the lives of hardhearted people. This week I share with you the second type of love that is often paradoxically visible in people’s lives, tough love.
I’m sure most people would agree that the world would be a miserable place if only tough love existed, but we would also be miserable if everyone was filled with only tenderhearted love. What correction would come from a mother who only had tenderhearted love but lacked the ability to use tough love to correct a child who had taken something that wasn’t his or told a lie to her mother? How would these children act when they grew up if they talked to their friends with disrespect as they had spoken to their parents? What happens to the tenderhearted man who marries a woman he doesn’t really love just because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings? What kind of marriage is it when a woman upsets her husband and is never called on it because the husband is too tenderhearted to hurt his wife’s feelings? What would happen if everyone agreed with everyone else all the time because no one wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings? What happens when people don’t try to stop their friends from making bad decisions because they don’t want to make them sad?

This might sound to some like Utopia or paradise on earth, while others see it as impossible for anyone to be sad or miserable in a perfect world.

Ready for the hard, cold truth? All of us are born selfish—as babies we cry not because we are concerned for others—that ability doesn’t yet exist. Babies cry because it is the only way they have of communicating a need to their parents. A tenderhearted parent does her/his best to keep the baby healthy and happy. But as the child grows older, the needs of others become just as or more important, and the child must learn that s/he must share this world with millions of other people who also have needs. In a balanced world, everyone’s needs must be considered—sometimes we are first, but sometimes we are last. Perhaps this may be what the Scripture refers to in Matthew 19:30 (KJV): But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. No one is always first or last.

Sometimes people are unwilling to exercise tough love to help others because “they just don’t like controversy.” While that may be true, it is also a cop-out. What they really mean is “I don’t want to inconvenience myself or a relationship or friendship by saying what needs to be said.” Courageous people speak the truth at the risk of comfort in relationships because it is better for truth to be spoken than falsehood and delusion to continue.

Hybels points out that telling the truth is more important than keeping peace, just as other people’s well-being is more important than a comfortable relationship. The interesting thing is this—it is easier to use tough love than to receive it. It is much easier to point out the problems in others, but how well do we tolerate constructive criticism from others?
I once had a college professor who was a wonderful person, very personable. I had her for Teaching Reading in the Content Areas at 4:00 p.m. once a week during Winter Quarter in the old lecture room on the first floor of DAR Hall at Lincoln Memorial University. Every student in the class had to pass her office to get to class, and more often than not she would be occupied with someone or something that prevented her from coming to class on time. She would stop some student as s/he passed her office and say, “Teach class until I get there.”

The class ended at 6:20 p.m., so after approximately two hours of one of my classmates rambling through the boring textbook the professor would appear. She would then begin talking and keep us long past the dismissal time.

I was outraged. I asked every week, “When do we get to evaluate you?” One week she announced, “Ronnie Mincey wants to evaluate me; therefore, each of you will submit a two-page, handwritten evaluation of my performance in this class, due next week.” Everyone in class looked at me as if they wished I were murdered and each the assassin.
I was not even more outraged, and I thought, “You want an evaluation? By golly, you’ll get one!” I wrote, “I think you are a wonderful person, but you are the most incompetent professor I have had at this university.” I was even dumb enough to turn it in with my name on it.

Then sanity prevailed. I went to the professor’s office after class and sat while she read my evaluation. To her credit, she neither ranted nor raved. To my dismay, she proceeded to analyze my personality and tell me why I had evaluated her so. In so doing she evaluated me. She made me look at myself and told me that if I didn’t change some things I would not be successful in either my chosen career or personal life.

We parted friendly, and I consider Dr. Okie Wolfe a great friend to this day. The difference? I evaluated her in anger and outrage, she analyzed me with the love of a teacher. I was insensitive, she was compassionate. It didn’t take me as long as you might think to come to know how right Okie was.
One of the greatest joys of regular church attendance to me is the self-evaluation that God passes weekly through the minister to me the parishioner. It is the ultimate example of tough and tender love combined.

I would dare to say that love is like two steaks from the same steer. One steak is prepared rare, juicy and fork tender. The other is very well done, almost burnt. Both are edible, both are from the same animal, both nourish the body, but one is easier on the teeth while the other has fewer health risks.
Next week I will discuss yet another type of love that is often difficult.