Have you ever had to attend a boring meeting, where the speaker droned on and on and you could barely stay awake? Possibly this might have been a preacher’s sermon (hopefully not) or a work presentation.
I have been blessed (or cursed) during my school and educational careers to have endured hundreds of presentations that could by themselves have completely eliminated the need for sleeping pills forever for the entire world. I would daresay that I have even conducted a few of these meetings. There have been times I have succumbed to “nodding off” (or outright going to sleep) in some of these meetings. As it is not in the best interest of continued employment to sleep during required work activities, what is the secret to staying awake during excruciatingly boring addresses?
One of the “tricks” I use is listening for “misspoken” words. Sometimes the best jokes can be made from the unintended meaning of a speaker’s incorrect use of a word or phrase. Many times I write down these “misspeaks” for future reflection. I am going to share with you, Dear Reader, a few of these I have experienced.
One of my favorites came from my nephew, who is a minister. At the ceremony he was reading the vows, which referenced the couple being UNITED in marriage. Unfortunately, my dear nephew misread that word, and pronounced the couple UNTIED (like a shoe string) in marriage. Does that mean that the couple were divorced at the very wedding altar, before they were officially married?
I was the only one who noticed this error.
On another occasion I was discussing with someone that a couple had passed away in an automobile accident. The comment was made, “I remember that. It was raining, and their car HIBERNATED.” (Did that mean the couple were bears, that it was winter, and they were asleep at the wheel?) What my conversationalist meant to say what that the car HYDROPLANED on the wet road surface, causing the car to lose control, resulting in the accidental deaths of the couple.
On an extremely hot day, a day much like this one, a person said to me, “D---, it’s hot! Boy, the HUMANITY sure is high today.” (The last I checked, which was moments ago, there are a lot of people in the world, and the humanity count is certainly high.) What the person meant to say, of course, was that the HUMIDITY was high.
Another “misspeak” common even among people who work in finance is the incorrect use of the word PHYSICAL for FISCAL. Often the end of the PHYSICAL year is mentioned. “Physical” refers to the body, usually in reference to health and exercise. “Fiscal” is the proper term when referencing finances. It would really be mixed up for a person to say, “I’m going to celebrate the end of the PHYSICAL year by going to the doctor to get my annual FISCAL.”
Word usage errors are not confined to the spoken word. Sometimes errors are made in writing. Usually, preachers do not talk about ANGLES, and math teachers don’t usually reference ANGELS. Try it the other way around.
As a final example, think about a person who eats an AMULET for breakfast. That would certainly result in “physical” problems, for an amulet is defined as:
amulet, also called Talisman, an object, either natural or man-made, believed to be endowed with special powers to protect or bring good fortune. Amulets are carried on the person or kept in the place that is the desired sphere of influence—e.g., on a roof or in a field. (https://www.britannica.com/topic/amulet Retrieved July 27, 2023).

AMULETS are often worn on a chain around the neck. I’m sure all would agree than an egg OMELETTE would digest much easier than a pendant on a necklace.

A FEW CONSIDERATIONS FOR YOUR EDIFICATION, DEAR READER, AS YOU ENTER A NEW WEEK.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common “cents”.

If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Is it me—or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
(I’m not going to sell you this, I’m going to give it to you for only one quarter!”)

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can
be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fur piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims."