If I were to meet a king or any other member of royalty, I’d certainly want to know the social rules for appropriate behavior. One thing’s for certain—I would want to know how to address King George VI, especially since his actual first name was Albert. I doubt in any case it would have been appropriate for even his natural mother to have addressed him as “Al”.

Thanks to my wife, over the years I have been a frequent (though oftentimes unwilling) visitor and shopper of KARM. KARM is a good place for a person with a weakness for collecting books and vinyl records, though I have taken offense to their rising prices for those two items during the past few years. If a person is like me, with a home library overflowing with both books and vinyl, it might be best to stay away to avoid becoming a destitute hoarder.

I did on one of my past visits purchase an old volume of Amy Vanderbilt’s book of etiquette. I think it interesting to know what high society, of which I have never or ever will be a participating member, has set as the proper rules for conducting oneself in that station of life. Some of it seems downright “prissy” to me, a bunch of unnecessary falsehood to impress others equally caught up in their own importance. There are perhaps elements of high society etiquette that could be made wise use of by all people.

A colleague of mine at work loaned me a copy of George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation. Of course these are rules pertinent to the colonial period of America’s history. The “preface” of the book relates that at fourteen years of age Washington recorded the 110 rules included in the book. Isn’t it interesting that the Father of Our Country, the first President of the United States, was interested in such matters at the tender age of fourteen. I can only imagine what our current occupant of the White House and the government were doing when they were fourteen!

Showing the influence of other cultures on early America, the preface notes that these rules derived from the French, later translated into English. These rules were intended to “polish manners, keep alive the best affections of the heart, impress the obligation of moral virtues, teach how to treat others in social relations, and above all, inculcate the practice of a perfect self-control.”

Interesting. On Facebook the other day I saw where someone posted a cartoon of God handing the Ten Commandments to Moses. God explained that there was only one originally, but after the labor unions finished they were increased tenfold. I suppose the one God referred to was the original command to Adam and Eve to not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They couldn’t even follow that one mandate.

And then George Washington posits 110, and this was probably a concise summary of a much greater amount of literature on the subject. I thought as I read this book about how my own conduct fits in with what our first President deemed appropriate. I’ll give you a few examples where perhaps I have come up short.

I know I have violated the 3rd—Show nothing to your friend that may affright him. My brother passed away and was cremated. I had his ashes in my house the week before I arranged for the late great Rev. Oliver Wolfenbarger to conduct a graveside ceremony for their burial. The ashes were not in an urn—only in the plastic container enclosed in the cardboard box in which they were mailed from the crematory to the mortuary. My good friend the late great Mark Martin was visiting to have supper with my wife and me. Mr. Martin knew my brother had died and had been cremated, but the death had been some time ago and Mr. Martin did not know of the impending burial. As Mr. Martin was sitting on the couch, I brought in the box and placed it on the coffee table before him. I said, “Mr. Martin, have you ever met my brother Jerry?”

Mr. Martin jumped back, looked at me wild-eyed and said, “Oh, God! Is that him?”

I’ve also violated the 4th—In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming noise, nor drum with your fingers or feet. While singing on the back row of a good ol’ traditional church choir, between the opening hymn and the offertory while the announcements were being presented, I used to hum very softly some hymn, the one just sung or one I wished had been sung. I always found it amusing to watch those on the row in front of me looking all around to find the source of the music they were hearing. Perhaps they thought the angels were descending with the last trump . . .

I have also violated the 6th—Sleep not when others speak, sit not when others stand, speak not when you should hold your peace, walk not on when others stop. Frankly, I think George was mish-mashing several rules into one in this case. Anyone who has ever attended meetings with me knows that on numerous occasions I have slept. There was one presenter, a highly respected prominent educator, who used to conduct several meetings which I attended. That man was like a tonic to me—I never took a dose of even Benadryl that could knock me out like he did. I do not always stand in church when others stand, especially if I feel that the standing is only ritual and serves no other overt purpose. Goodness knows I have sometimes spoken when I should have remained silent (I’m not willing to share any of those tales here right now). I don’t usually continue walking when others stop, however. My steps are numbered, and there’s no need wasting any going where others are smart enough not to go.

And the 10th—When you sit down, keep your feet firm and even, without putting one on the other or crossing them. If this is all I had to worry about, I don’t think I’d lose any sleep at all. It’s usually a copout to say that this only hurts me, but it is true in this case. Crossing my feet affects no other’s circulation than my own.

Lastly, the 15th—Keep your nails clean and short, also your hands and teeth clean, yet without showing any great concern for them. I wonder how well Washington did this himself, as he is said to have had false teeth!

Well over a century later comes Gloria Vanderbilt with a book on etiquette that has more pages than Washington had rules in his short missive. When high society breaks a rule, it is deemed a scandal. From scandal comes drama, and where would television be today if etiquette had never been broken to give rise to the scandalous scenarios that grace our screens daily?

I think Lincoln said it best. At least this quote is attributed to him, though it is worded in a few different ways. I have it over my home library door on a wooden plaque given to me by a dear friend—“Live a good life. And in the end, it’s not the years in a life but the life in the years.” Even better is what Lincoln said in reference to the Bible, something to the effect, “Take all of this book you can on reason, the rest on faith, and you’ll be a happier person.”

Thank you for reading, and until next week ponder this question—What color is a purple finch? Check out historicunioncounty.com next week for the answer. Consider:

"Always follow your heart.....but take your brains with you.”
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy

“Remember, there is a reason that spaghetti is never served at a state dinner.”
--Union Countian Ronnie Mincey

SOUTHERN ETTIQUETTE

Southerners know everybody’s first name: honey, darlin’, or shugah.