I was working away one day at my computer when I heard a laugh just outside my door. Union County Mayor Jason Bailey was standing there. He asked, “Do you always talk to yourself like that?”
I could have used that tired old line, “I sometimes like to talk to someone intelligent,” but His Honor knows me better than that. So do I, by the way. As all my siblings were several years older than me, I was raised basically alone. Many times I had no one other than myself to talk to. In my many years of playing alone, I had to be the voice not only for myself, but for countless others unseen to all except me.
Is it any wonder that now it seems that talking to myself, insane though it might seem, is the only way I can keep from losing my sanity? Talking to oneself is a good practice for those of us who can only focus on one task at a time, and for whom outside noises are distracting.
Nothing comes closer to causing me to lose my sanity, intelligence, or religion that machines. Several years ago my capable and faithful co-worker and right hand Norma Jones heard me at the copy machine. Norma’s office at that time was directly across from the copy room. The copier in use at the time had seen more electronic years than I had human (assuming we count electronic years like dog or cat years). It often jammed up, especially when being used for large jobs. Of course, it seemed to jam most when there was the least time to produce a copy.
There was an incident in which I never used one curse word, but I told that machine exactly what I thought of it. Norma’s eyes “got big” and she said in astonishment, “Ronnie, you sound absolutely evil!”
She was correct. At that exact moment had I a club, machine parts would have decorated Maynardville Highway from the Central Office to the 33 Diner. I believe I could have legitimately pleaded temporary insanity and been totally exonerated.
I also tend to get very frustrated when making repeated mistakes when typing. Last week I was typing away. Oh the speed, the progress I was making. When I looked at the screen to see my finished product, it turns out I had my right hand just slightly off home row keys. Try typing with your hand one key to the right of its intended position on home row keys. You will wind up with very interesting, though totally useless, gibberish.
The human mind is very delicate. Who can know what will set a person “off”? I very often get aggravated, occasionally frustrated, but rarely angry. In most instances of extreme anger, I do not realize I’m about to “cross the line” until I’m on the other side, looking back.
I have sympathy for those of us with this malady. I once knew a very mild-mannered man. I’ll call him Mickey. Mickey was to me the epitome of patience and kindness. I wouldn’t have thought that Mickey could even get angry. In a conversation with his child Mousey after Mickey’s death, I commented on Mickey’s humble nature. Mousey told me this had not always been the case. In Mickey’s younger days, Mickey suspected a man of intruding himself upon his wife Minnie. Mickey was so enraged that he hit the man square in the nose!
How often are crimes of passion committed? I was once miffed at my wife, and I decided that I wouldn’t care if someone came along and took her right off my hands. That very night I dreamed that a man was trying to woo her away. It didn’t seem to me that she was all that interested in resisting his advances, either. I woke in the middle of the night and looked over at her lying there, so innocent in her sleep. “Devious woman!” I thought in my half-wakened state. “I know what you’re dreaming about!” I felt the strong urge to wreak vengeance upon her. I guess I cared more about that guy taking her off my hands than I thought.
One morning my wife asked me why I had choked her in the middle of the night. I had no idea what she was talking about. Perhaps I was dreaming and getting my revenge on her for her roving eye! It wasn’t long after that she convinced me to have a sleep study and get a C-Pap machine. Was she interested in my self-preservation or her own?????
Sometimes I wonder if all that is a little “off” with me is my right hand. I also must admit thinking about how many others I know are just as “off” as I know myself to be? My hope for you, Dear Reader, is that you are “right on target”, but if you’re not, shoot me a line and we’ll share our oddities!
As always, it has been a pleasure. Once again, I leave you with some perhaps “offhanded” thoughts from the world of email.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.
I’m self-employed.
We’re having a meeting.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new,
then you’re not thinking big enough.

Tip for a successful marriage:
Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready
while she’s mowing the lawn.

I'm a multitasker.
I can listen, ignore and forget
all at the same time!

One minute you're young and fun.
Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot what I was doing.
Retraced my steps.
Got lost on the way back.
Now I have no idea what's going on.
Boy, I’m tired!