If you’re like most people, most of the time you definitely want to be in the “in” crowd. There you’re accepted, adored, idolized, and never alone.

That is, you’re never alone until your thinking starts to depart from the “status quo” of your “in” crowd. Then you risk becoming an outcast, as most groups struggle with a free thinker within their “in” crowd.

As a general rule, I generally do not fit into many people’s idea of someone recruited to be part of the “in” crowd. When I was younger, I was too self-conscious to want to be very much noticed. Ironically, it was some of the inferiority traits from which I suffered that made me more noticeable and drew unwanted attention my way. Now it seems the older I get the less I worry about being part of any particular crowd and am beginning to find the joy of marching to my own tune.

Perhaps one of the saddest things about trying to be part of an “in” crowd is the pain of rejection. Who doesn’t remember being rejected by a hopeful love interest? Who doesn’t remember being part of an organization but not being accepted into any of its cliques? Who doesn’t remember trying to participate in a conversation or meeting and either being ignored or not having due homage paid to ideas?

I remember an incident in which I was a member of an organization that included many of my “friends”. Plans were being made to ostracize a member outside of our “friendly” circle of influence due to a difference of opinion. In theory I agreed with the group’s consensual opinion, but I was not in agreement with the plan to embarrass anyone publicly and stated so in sidebar discussions. The organization leader was making plans to embarrass this individual in a public meeting. I stood alone in not agreeing with my colleagues.

I would like to say I was a highly noble person not influenced by outside sources, but I must say that I was outraged when a fellow member showed me a document outlining the plan of action to be taken against the dissenting individual. It seems things had reached the point that not only was someone about to be embarrassed for having a strong opinion that differed from the group’s most powerful majority clique, I had not been included in the discussion involving the plan. Indeed, had the person who showed me the document known that I was unaware of it, I would never have seen it until the meeting.

To make a long story short, the plan was undertaken in the meeting. I caused unrest when I asked pertinent questions as to the plan’s validity. When the time came for the vote, it was conducted by secret ballot, and the dissenting individual’s opinion was upheld by one vote. One of my “friends” asked me if the group leader knew I was the vote that broke the tie and upheld the dissenting opinion. I asked, “How does anyone know how I voted?” The reply was that it was very clear who had voted for what. I questioned, “If the vote was honest and above board, how would anyone know who voted for what?” I received no satisfactory answer to that question. I guess you could say based on this experience that I am not destined to be a great politician.

What I did receive was the cold shoulder. No longer was I invited to social occasions with my “friends”, though one of them made every effort to let me know of every gathering after the fact, the implication being that I was no longer invited.

Painful? Yes. But I did feel at peace with myself knowing that I had the courage, at least in that instance, to stand for what I felt was right, even if it did adversely affect friendships. I wish I could say this was always true, but I could tell you of several instances in which I yielded to pressure. In those instances, I dislike myself. I believed then, and I believe it more so today, that true friends will allow you to have an opinion different from theirs. I find it very disturbing when my “friends” or associates expect me to dislike someone simply because they dislike them.

I became, at least for a time, a part of several less than desirable “in” crowds per that incident. I was considered “IN”SANE by some for not agreeing with and being able to recognize how right the outlined plan was. My integrity and loyalty as a friend was “IN”DOUBT. By virtue of not changing my mind to go along with the upholders of the plan, I was deemed “IN”FLEXIBLE. I even became a member of another prefix group, the “UN”STABLE!

It always hurts to be ostracized by one’s friends. Want to know how I handled my disappointment? I made new friends who allowed me to retain my individuality, not requiring me to adhere to their points of view on all issues.

I suppose the fact that this incident resonates so strongly after all these years would belie my trying to convince you, Faithful Reader, that it did not hurt. It was a terrific learning experience, and true it is that Experience is a great teacher, though often a painful one. This situation helped me to be more tolerant of those whose ideals are not consistent with mine, though I struggle every day with those who do not have my same core beliefs and values. Every day continues to be a new learning experience. I have learned that I don’t have to agree with everyone all the time, and people don’t always have to agree with me. What we must do is respect the other’s right to hold our own opinions. This is often difficult, but what a joy it is to rest the head on the pillow at the end of every day, at peace with both man and beast.

Next week I will share with you some of the happy “in” crowds of which I have been blessed to be part—very filling, as the late Pearl Snodderly would have said. Until next time, I leave you with tidbits of wisdom from my email world.

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.
So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

"Every friend and loved one is a gift, blessing and reason to be grateful."
--Thomas Jefferson