How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Having tired of trying to answer that question, woodchucks, also known as groundhogs, decided to go in a different direction. Meteorology. Specifically, predicting the beginning of spring.
Do not fall for this. And if you missed Groundhog Day this year, not to worry. According to a nearby source, it’s all a hoax.
A recent interview with Professor Phil R. Woodchuck of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania revealed the truth. We met atop Gobbler’s Knob February 1, one day before the infamous day in question. The trek was difficult, considering the distance from town and the slow pace of Professor Phil. And in case you're wondering, there were no turkeys.
The interview was very much a one-sided, tell-all. Here is the background story that led to this conspiracy perpetrated each year on February 2nd in Professor Phil’s own words.
“It all started when The Inner Circle decided to juice up winter with a bit of Groundhogese. To be truthful, I don’t even understand that speak. My forefathers came over with Columbus, so, my native language is Spanish. I come from a long line of conquistadors and it took decades for me to learn your English.
“Now, where was I? Oh, yes. When I was first introduced as a meteorologist, it was confusing. People watched closely to see if I cast a shadow. If I did, they seemed angry. When the sky was covered in clouds, everyone was happy. I was much better cared for when my keepers were happy, so, I learned to control my shadow. Most of the time. It takes a lot of concentration, and oft times, I fail.
“After many years I began to hear and understand the whispers. I realized being accurate about the coming of spring wasn’t really up to me after all. The Inner Circle would relay information of their choosing to the local press and it would expand outward. While I took the blame each year when I saw my shadow, The Inner Circle took the credit for the years when I had none. It made me want to hibernate in my hole and never see the light of day.
“Now that I know the truth about the conspiracy, why do I persist in this charade you ask. Because I am honored as a legend and catered to in my present occupation. I have been told my habitat and care costs the government 1.5 million each year. What can I say? I do love me some alfalfa and carrot salad. And another plus, people don’t mess with me and my history unless they want to live the same day over and over.
“So now you also know the truth behind Punxsutawney Phil. I hope you don’t think less of me.
“But if you want the real story, check with my cousin, Staten Island Chuck. He is accurate almost 70 percent of the time.”