I was at the Union County Opry last Saturday. I was there to help sell concessions for the Union County Lions Club. I struck up a conversation with Debra Keck about all the rain we had received the previous week. That rain prevented me from mowing my yards. Now, on this lovely, sunshiny Saturday, I had been occupied all day with preparing for concession sales.
I told Debra that I might just have to mow on Sunday, The Lord’s Day, after I got home from church. Debra said that I could put a “silencer” on the lawnmower to keep other good Baptists from knowing I was profaning The Lord’s Day with work.
That got me to thinking about other things for which I might want to use a silencer. Silencers are usually thought of in relation to guns. My wife is more proficient with guns than me. She even took a class several years ago so she could get a permit. I have never even owned a gun. That’s probably a good thing. I am almost always peaceable, but there have been a few times I might have been tempted if . . .
I could have put a silencer on it.
Denny Muncey told me that a baby bottle nipple can be used as a silencer for a .22. That sounds fascinating enough to me to be true.
It has been said that to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call later. This is demonstrated by something that happened to my elderly cousin Bertha Lay. I related this tale a few weeks ago (remember, any tale worth telling is worth telling twice), but it is most appropriate for this article. Had my cousin used a silencer, she might not have lived as long as she did.
One night Cousin Bertha heard someone trying to break into her house. She said she raised up as quietly in the dark as she could and reached inside the top drawer of the chest next to her bed. She sat on the bed and waited for her unexpected, unwelcome midnight visitor(s) to get inside. She said she waited until he/they (maybe she/them?) got to her bedroom door. She then yelled “BANG!” and shot in their general direction. She said it didn’t take very long for them to go back the way they’d come.
When Grainger County law enforcement came to investigate, it turns out Cousin Bertha had shot a hole in the wall just at the top of the basement stairs that were on the other side of her bedroom wall. Cousin Bertha said the sheriff of Grainger County later sent fresh bullets for her gun and told her to take better aim the next time.
Be sure you know when to put a silencer on it!
Other than lawnmowers and guns, what would you like to see “silenced”? I often watch reruns of All in the Family. Archie is always telling poor Edith to “stifle” herself. I’m sure many a spouse wishes their mate could be silenced.
While you are glad to see some people coming, you are probably happier to see some of them leave. Unfortunately, the latter kind usually stay longest. Southern propriety deems that we make our guests feel at home, even when we wish they were. Have you ever watched television with people who cannot talk at any time except when a show is actually on? Especially Jeopardy. You’d think they’d have the courtesy to talk only during the commercials, but no! When the commercial comes on they go to the refrigerator and come back to talk with their mouths full during the actual program. If only such people could be snails. Snails can sleep for three years. Being my luck, my snails would snore.
Put a silencer on them!
Try to keep in mind that when we stand in the Judgement, God won’t ask the square footage of our houses. He’ll ask how many people we welcomed into our homes.
Much worse than those visitors that you really wish would leave are those irritatingly noisy neighbors. Visitors are somewhat temporary—neighbors are more permanent. Someone once said, “So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3:00 a.m. Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.”
Put a silencer on them!
Think of the person who grieves you most. You have little regard for this person and do not like to be in his/her presence. Perhaps even the mention of the name brings vindictive, spiteful thoughts to you. The world might tell us to “Get Physical” with this person. Do everything you can to make that person’s life the nightmare they would like to make yours. If the situation so calls, to use the old expression “Knock Their Block Off”! It is easy to be vengeful, to want to get even, and that is what most of the world expects and practices. The Scriptures tell us in Romans 12:19 (KJV): “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
Put a silencer on it.
What about children? I once heard it said that a set of parents was delighted when their child learned to talk, but were dismayed that they couldn’t “shut them up” in their teenage years. Supposedly Phyllis Diller once said, “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
Put a silencer on them!
But do so nicely. Ms. Diller is also reputed to have said, “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”
And there are always those of us, God bless us, who are our only singing fan. Louisiana State Senator John Kennedy noted, “Just because you CAN sing doesn’t mean you should.”
Put a silencer on them!
Let’s not forget our four-legged friends. I remember during my childhood how irritated Dad got when our dog Brownie barked in the middle of the night. Amazingly, cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. When they bark, especially in the middle of the night, all ten sounds seem to come out at once. More irritating than hearing your own dog bark after dark is hearing your neighbor’s beasts barking after dark.
Put a silencer on them!
If the noise of the world bothers you, just live long enough to get old. They say everybody whispers then.

ANSWER TO QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 12
What do trees do in the spring? RELIEF
QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 13
What does a man do to relax his wife? (See next week’s article on historicunioncounty.com for the answer.)