Mincey’s Musings
Year One, Week Nineteen

In his book, Who You Are When No One’s Looking: Choosing Consistency, Resisting Compromise, Bill Hybels says that character can be determined by what we do when no one is looking. Character is sometimes confused with reputation, but reputation is what other people think of us. Character is not the same as success or achievement—character is not defined by what we have done, but who we are.

I once read a Stephen King novel, though I don’t remember the particular title. There is a king in the book, a seemingly wise man to those over whom he ruled. Everyone loved him, except for his youngest son. This prince knew something about his father the king that no one else knew.

The castle had many secret passageways. Every evening, the king would retire alone to an inner chamber. This room was huge, with a monstrous fireplace along one end and a very high ceiling. The boy discovered a secret passageway that allowed him to overlook his father’s inner sanctum. The prince witnessed his father as he urinated into the fireplace. This so repulsed the prince that he hated his father from that point onward.

On one episode of the television series In the Heat of the Night, an esteemed member of the community named Stuart Merrill is honored at the beginning of one episode for having paid for the renovation of a Confederate statute. By the end of the episode, it was revealed that his granddaughter had murdered him for sexually abusing both her and her mother.

These examples are extreme and fictitious, but they are experienced on a smaller scale by many. The news is full of stories of public officials and community and religious leaders who have held positions of great authority and civic responsibility for several years who are exposed to the public for illicit relationships, bribes, kickbacks, insider trading, domestic abuse and other great breaches of trust.

How did these leaders fall? Their esteemed reputations in the community covered what was their true character—what I shall refer to as “The Secret Life.” Great success and achievement can earn us high regard in the public eye, but our true character will reveal us for what we are.

I have been taught that it takes a lifetime of character building to establish a reputation but only a split second to destroy it. True character is most often revealed under pressure. The volcanoes that are presently erupting in Hawaii were not problematic when concealed underground. People even built homes there. Only when the eruptions began and the lava flowed was the destructive force evident and the homes destroyed.

Hybels identifies five endangered characteristics of true character. The first is courage. The example of someone being rescued from a burning building has become a classic cliché for courage. Such feats are attractive to and circulated by popular media. In reality, the rescuer might not be brave at all, but only reacting on impulse and adrenaline.
Courage is so often quietly and personally demonstrated in the ordinary moments of life. Does the worker admit to being at fault for being late with a report, or does he blame technological failures or others for the mistake? Do we pretend that we are in agreement with our friends’ decisions, or do we tell them that we don’t agree because we do not feel their decisions are wise? Do we admit that we have been less than perfect, or do we continue with the “holier than thou” attitude and fail to admit our own mistakes?
It takes great courage to admit to our friends and loved ones that we have made a mistake and ask for forgiveness and try to set things right. It takes courage to ask for another chance. Perhaps it takes even greater courage to trust those who have let us down and offer them another chance. It takes courage to take a risk on another, especially after the other has failed.

Most would agree that it takes courage to lead, but it is not always realized that it takes courage to follow another’s lead. I remember once in a college math course at LMU it seemed no one in the class understood a particular concept. Instructor Herman Matthews said, “Now, people, I know this seems rough, but if you’ll hang in there and have a little faith in me I’ll get you through.” We did, and so did he.

This was a type of relational courage. Life is all about relationships—with friends, spouses, co-workers. It takes a lot of courage to enter into a relationship, for there is always the danger of being hurt when we become vulnerable. Many times, we do get hurt, and we want to withdraw into a shell of isolation or hardness of heart for protection. It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own worlds and become selfish, hurting those with whom we have relationships through our neglect. That’s when it takes even greater courage to continue having meaningful relationships. Sometimes it takes the most courage to say “I’m sorry.”

And then there’s moral courage—the courage to stand for values in a world that increasingly preaches compromise. How many people compromise their beliefs to be with the “in” crowd, to not be made fun of, to be tolerant and accepting. Morality does not just refer to sexual purity or fidelity in marriage, though these are indeed moral ideals—being moral means that we have a well-defined value system of right and wrong and stand firm on our beliefs without compromise.

So how does one become courageous? Hybels recommends that we face our crippling fears. The Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz learned all too well that courage is something that can’t be found while running from danger. There is an old hymn titled “Give to the Winds Thy Fears.” We become more courageous as we surround ourselves with good role models. Read the Bible and good books and literature about ordinary people who accomplished extraordinary things because they did the right thing.

I attended an awards ceremony at an elementary school a few years ago. One of the teachers presented her students with an award “for doing the right thing.” I was sitting next to the assistant principal, and I asked him to what the teacher referred. After the ceremony, he told me the award was presented to those students who did not take advantage of a substitute teacher by consuming food and drinks the teacher had been saving for rewards and a field trip, as most of the students did. Such courage at such a young age!
Robert Frost worded it well:

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Each day of life represents a new beginning but also great opportunities for danger and failure. It takes courage to face the “unknowns” of life. That’s why it is so important to accept God’s offer of friends and friendship—the way is less fearful when we do not walk alone.

Next week I’ll muse upon another endangered element of character.