Mincey’s Musings
Year Two, Week Eighteen

One has to be careful when typing or texting, especially when texting. Sometimes the auto-correct on Facebook can get a person in trouble, like the preacher who once texted me that he was sitting on his deck; unfortunately, auto-correct changed the vowel in the word “deck”. The message that came to me, though totally unintended, was hilarious, and provided my soon-to-be-deceased stepson one of his last moments of hilarity. I never told the preacher of his mishap.

I noticed a few days ago a reference to “Gravestone” Church. I think this was an unintended misspelling of the church name, yet it started my mind to thinking about puns to do with church.

If some churches existed literally as their names intended, a person might have misgivings about attending “Stinking Creek”. Perhaps friendlier to the sinuses and nostrils but foreboding to faith might be “Little Hope”, “Lost Hope” or “Last Hope”. Even so, these might be preferable to visiting a church named “Gravestone”. There visitors might expect to receive a cold reception. It might even be a “dead” church.

A former co-worker told me he attended a church named “Dry Valley”. This reminded me of a joke Pastor Oliver Wolfenbarger once told from the pulpit. There was a preacher in an old Baptist church who wrote out his sermon. It was summer, and the windows were open. A gust of wind came through and blew the preacher’s sermon through the window and into the cow pasture. The cow ate the sermon and found the sermon so dry that she also “went [completely] dry” and never gave milk again.

Sometimes churches of different denominations located close to each other can become rivals. There was a Baptist church on one side of the road that sang “Will There be Any Stars in My Crown?” The Methodists across the road chose for their next hymn “No Not One”.

Church bulletins can also be great sources of humor. I have attended church for several years with a wonderful couple named Duane and Amy Idol. The bulletin once announced an event and requested that more information could be obtained from “Duane or Any Idol”. The bulletin also announced that the church would be recognizing the high school and “collage” graduates. Not to worry, I recently saw a picture that showed a vehicle with “Colege Graduate” on the back windshield.

It was once said that a church choir sang the hymn “One Day”; one old sister said it sure did take them all day to sing it, just like it took them forever to sing “Rock of Ages”. I close for this week with two stories:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!”
With even greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’” (2019) Retrieved from http://jokes4all.net/hymn-jokes

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love to Tell the Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' (2019) Retrieved from http://jokes4all.net/hymn-jokes