“For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage,
but are as the angels of God in heaven.”--Matthew 22:30 KJV

I once received an email from a friend which said, “No true Southern boy would ever say, “Here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen.” I’m sure that’s true, though a truly Southern boy would have said, “. . . that we ain’t seen.”
I noted that bluegrass banjo player and cast member of Hee Haw Roni Stoneman passed away this past Thursday, February 22, 2024. A Google search will reveal some interesting things about Stoneman, one of which is that she was one of twenty-three children born to her parents (Source: https://www.countrymusichalloffame.org/roni-stoneman-1938-2024, Retrieved February 26, 2024).
Roni Stoneman portrayed a character on Hee Haw known as Ida Lee Nagger, wife of Lavern, played by fellow cast member Gordie Tapp. Doing justice to her last name, gap-toothed Ida Lee with her mussed hair (for which ribbons were no help) was always “nagging” Lavern about something. Their interaction always led to an argument. Though Lavern usually got the “punch line”, my money would be on Ida Lee to come out ahead, as she always seemed to have an iron or skillet to swing at her husband’s head.
It might have been interesting for both Ida Lee and Lavern to have been interviewed separately about their marital partner. I’m sure the interview would have shed new light on the holy BONDS of matrimony. Let’s try a little trip of this sort down imagination lane in a proverbial game of “He Said/She Said”. Let’s see what they might have said about each other when neither was around to hear.

INTERVIEWER: How’s your love life?
IDA LEE: What love life? I’m a married woman.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any enemies?
LAVERN: I have a wife, don’t I?

INTERVIEWER: Have you and Lavern ever been on a marriage retreat?
IDA LEE: I’ve been trying to retreat from him for twenty years.

INTERVIEWER: What is a marriage retreat?
LAVERN: Is that a class where they try to teach you how to get a divorce?

INTERVIEWER: What would you like Lavern to give you for your next birthday?
IDA LEE: How about one of them there no-fault divorces?

INTERVIEWER: Did you know that Thomas Jefferson once wrote to James Madison that he preferred dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery?
LAVERN: Oh, so he was married, too, huh?

INTERVIEWER: Ronald Reagan once said, “Socialism only works in two places:
Heaven, where they don’t need it, and hell where they already have it.”
IDA LEE: Is that there “socialism” another name for marriage? I always figured people in hell would have to be married.

INTERVIEWER: Ronald Reagan once said, “The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
LAVERNE: I figured they was “I do”.

INTERVIEWER: Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women are going to merge into one organization. What do you think it will be called?
IDA LEE: Knott NOW. That’s what Lavern’s been telling me every night since the honeymoon.

INTERVIEWER: How would a man feel if he could walk a mile in your shoes?
LAVERN: Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend thirty seconds with my wife. That'll freak you right out.

INTERVIEWER: Does your husband ever smile?
IDA LEE: I don’t know. I’ve only been married to him for twenty years.

INTERVIEWER: What do you think of this picture of your wife?
LAVERN: Awful, just awful.
INTERVIEWER: I think it looks just like her.
LAVERN: Just like I said, awful.

INTERVIEWER: Is it easy to get along with your husband?
IDA LEE: Just as easy as it is for you to lick your own elbow.

INTERVIEWER: You said you were going to fight fire with fire. Remember, the fire department usually uses water.
LAVERN: Good idea. Drowning is cleaner than burning any day.

INTERVIEWER: Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said he believed that America was founded by geniuses but is now run by idiots.
IDA LEE: You mean America used to be run by women?

INTERVIEWER: Did you know that only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until five years later. How do you account for that?
LAVERN: Took them that long to convince their wives to let them get out of the house on their own.

INTERVIEWER: Louisiana State Senator John Kennedy said you can’t fix stupid, but you can vote them out of office.
IDA LEE: Heck of a lot easier to vote them out then to divorce them.

INTERVIEWER: A man once said that inflation was getting so bad that he saw a Mormon with only one wife.
LAVERN: Purty soon they’ll get smart and not have any.

INTERVIEWER: When it comes to golf, no matter how badly you’re playing, it’s always possible to get worse.
IDA LEE: Golf and marriage must be a lot alike.

INTERVIEWER: Did you know that bats always turn left when they leave a cave?
LAVERN: I always wondered why Ida Lee goes that way. I thought she was just heading to the store.

INTERVIEWER: The phrase “rule of thumb” comes from an Old English law which said that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. Has your husband ever hit you?
IDA LEE: He knows better. I go by the rule to never hit your husband with anything wider than a ax handle.

INTERVIEWER: Did you know a crocodile can’t stick out it’s tongue?
LAVERN: Ida Lee’s sure not a crocodile. She can’t even keep her mouth shut.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever ask your husband what he’s going to do today?
IDA LEE: When I do, he always says, “Nothing.” And that’s exactly what he does best.

INTERVIEWER: What does freedom mean to you?
LAVERN: Nothing. I’m married. I can’t be free.

INTERVIEWER: Did you know a goldfish has a memory span of three seconds?
IDA LEE: Lavern’s got ‘em beat!

INTERVIEWER: Did you know a dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours?
LAVERN: Why couldn’t I have married a dragonfly?

INTERVIEWER: Did you know a snail can sleep for three years?
IDA LEE: Lavern’s got ‘em beat.

INTERVIEWER: How would you describe your wife?
LAVERN: Wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just her left leg.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you think you’d be safest in a tornado, a bedroom or a closet?
IDA LEE: When you’re married to a man like Lavern, you’re always safe in the bedroom.

Just wait until Ida Lee and Lavern read this article. Just as sure as they would come to blows, I bet that 75% of you Dear Readers will try to lick your elbow when you quit reading this, if you’ve not already. I tried—can’t lick mine!
Until next time, I leave you with the answer to last week’s question and a new question for you to ponder until the printed page brings us together once more.

ANSWER TO QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 4
What do crooks see through? BURGLARIZE.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 5
What does a bullfighter try to be? (See next week’s article for the answer.)